Is this real… Or is this fantasy?

So, I stumbled on a website called Shelley the Republican after researching the origin of the text that accompanies the image I’ve linked to here: http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxi1u9eSst1r08enqo1_500.png. The image is of a so-called demon and is titled “What Causes Homosexuality?”. The language is inflammatory, confusing, and reminiscent of language I encountered in the Evangelical Church. I found myself wondering if someone wrote this earnestly. I’m still vacillating on this. I want to believe its some bawdy farce.

I did keep reading the site, and in the Problems section I found this little gem. I am pretty confident that Timothy is trolling, but is the good Pastor Bucks for real? I started to wonder when he began describing the temptation posed by Pamela Anderson in vivid detail.

Monday October 23
Jerk Off

Dear Pastor Bucks

I hope you don’t mind if I ask you for help, because I am in need of help. And I hope you don’t think I am a disgusting pig, after you read this email! I don’t know why I am what I am. Maybe it was my liberal upbringing, maybe it is because I live very close to San
Francisco, only God knows.

Let me start by saying that I am a proud Republican. I support the
Republican core values and I stand by my President.

Now let me get to my terrible problem:

From time to time I masturbate. I know it is not right and in the eyes of God I must look like a sinner but I make sure he does not see me by doing it under the covers or sometimes even under the bed, just to make sure He can’t see me! Here comes the bad part: I am obsessed with Pamela Anderson! I am sure you know that she is a bad liberal traitor! She promotes animal rights and supports the democrat party!

But she is soooo HOT! Just look at her (the attachment). Look at her
breasts, her perfect smile! Her hair! Her very very very HOT BODY! I stated out chocking the chicken once a day but my obsession gets worse! Now I have to do it at least 3 times a day. I carry a picture of her around and sometimes I even do it on the school toilet! I feel like my sin has become to big that I can not hide it any longer from God. I don’t want to be a sinner in his eyes. I am actually pretty sure that He would not mind if I jerk off to Anne Coulter or Britney Spears or any other good Republican from time to time but I don’t want God have hating me because it’s Pamela!

Can you help me, Pastor Bucks? I just don’t know what to do anymore!

God bless you,

Timothy Candrell

Pamela Anderson. A gift from Satan!

Dear Timothy,

You do well by being a republican and well by supporting Our Great Leader. Certainly plus points on the road to heaven.

However, the rest of your message worries me greatly. As my great friend in Jesus Shelley has already explained on this site, masturbation is a grave sin and a sure way to ensure yourself a place in hell. Do you read about Jesus belabouring his man parts in the Bible? No. And don’t think that God can’t see you under those covers. He can because He sees everything.

Liberals will of course try to tell you that such foul actions are somehow ‘natural’ and even ‘healthy’. Don’t believe them. They say the same thing being gay. Actually, “self harm” is disgusting. No good Christian does it. In fact, it’s the Devil’s work.

And I have to warn you that certainly can’t sully such clean women as Ann Coulter and Britney Spears by harming yourself in their names. That’s just vile and sinful. Imagine how Ann Coulter would feel appearing on Fox news covered in your seed? You wouldn’t do it in the physical world, so don’t do it in your head! Remember that your thoughts are just as real to God as your actions!

It is permitted for you to imagine a long happy chaste marriage to either of them and a rich and golden future together. Even then, however, I would take care not to offend Jesus. They are both already decently married women after all and you don’t want them adulterating in your head.

As for that Pamela Anderson! How sorry I feel for you. I’ve been looking and looking and looking at that picture you sent me [STR.com readers please note, the pastor did this without the benefit of Jesus the censor! That’s how far he will go for his readers]. I can well imagine the dirty thoughts it generates in your mind. Debauched and deranged imaginings about living with that slattern on a desert island, far from civilisation and all its trappings (like clothes). Having to spend long days watching her dive in and out of the waves and running up and down the shoreline with all her female parts bouncing up and down in God’s air untrammelled by even the skimpiest bikini. You would be forced to fall asleep next to her, holding her close for warmth at night, smelling the salt sea and the musk of her feminity. Then the devil would fill your mind with thoughts about oiling her up with coconut juice, rolling her over and spanking her provocative rear, kneading her soft breasts and licking?

See! It’s just shameful! I really don’t know how you cope! You must put these things from you!

To do this may require radical action. I suggest a few monastic years, cleansing yourself as did the Desert Fathers in days of old. All computers and ways of obtaining pornographic materials (ie the temptations of dollars) must be cast from you. I myself and the STR.com Wealth and Health Foundation ? will be pleased to help you in this great task. We promise that we will take your money from you and all the evil trappings of the material world and direct them towards doing the work of Jesus! The best thing about doing this is that when you return from the wilderness, pure again in mind and body, Jesus will be so pleased with you for believing in Him and giving to us that he’ll instantly make you rich again!

So what are you waiting for? Donate now! Click on our support page!
Good man.

God Bless You,

Pastor Magnus Bucks.

P.S. What does choke the chicken mean? Why do you bring animal cruelty into your deranged liberal fantasy?